Survivor: The Village Hidden in the Leaves
by Love Panda
Summary: Several characters from Naruto participate in the show Survivor. All of the characters are slightly older than they are in the show because it would seem a little mean to do this to 12 yr. olds, and the hosts are BASED on real TV hosts.
1. Enter The Hosts

**Enter Hosts**:

It took twelve full hours before the village was located. Twelve long, tired hours for a group of six men to find what they were searching for. From nine until nine they had marched through the seemingly endless forest. It was Stephan who finally stumbled upon the desired path. "Stupid Mapquest," he grumbled at his iphone before pocketing it.

Brian glanced at his surroundings. He had been expecting something . . . different, to say the least. When he had been told that all of the contestants would be from the same 'village,' he hadn't expected their home town to be an actual village, but he also didn't think he would be led to some place literally hidden in the leaves. Two misconceptions out of _many_ for example: he had been offered the hosting position, but the producers had said _nothing_ about his two co-hosts, Cole McMale and Stephan Colbear. Brian eyed his Rolex. Nine-oh-one. "Where's Hokage?" he moaned.

Cole arched an eyebrow. Peafest had a remarkably short attention span. They had been standing before the gate for no more than forty-five seconds.

"That Hokage," Ed - the executive producer - muttered at a clipboard.

Brian grimaced. "Huh??"

"_The_ Hokage," Ed repeated and lowered his clipboard. "It's a title, not a name. And when she said she'd meet us at nine, I think she meant in the morning." He shoved his clipboard into the gaffer's arms and sighed. "I'll go find her. Now, listen very carefully, Colbear, McMale . . . yes, you too, Peafest. _Don't_ mess this up. Wait right here, don't get into any trouble and when I come back, don't you dare say anything except for your names. Got it? We can't risk her changing her mind. So, no more than pleasantries." Ed turned on his heel and disappeared beyond the gates.

Immediately, Brian burst out, "I am _so_ bored."

"Can it, Peafest!" Stephan ordered in his magnificent, rippling baritone.

Brian "Hurrumphed" and crossed his arms stubbornly. "I deserve respect," he barked. "Who has the most hosting experience here?"

No one responded.

"That's right, me!"

The cameraman spoke up. "That's debatable."

Instead of arguing, Brian flopped onto the ground and awaited Ed's return. The wait wasn't a long one - about fifteen minutes - but the silence made it seem much longer. Just when Cole was about to cut and run, Ed reemerged with a tall blonde at his side.

Brian was awestruck. Yet another unexpected twist for him. The Hokage was supposed to be a wrinkly old man, not a totally stacked hottie. Tsunade, on the other hand, was rather under whelmed by the lack of promise the crew thus far showed. The only impressive one out of the bunch was Stephan. Brian pushed by Cole and offered Tsunade his sweaty palm. "Brian Peafest!"

She reluctantly shook his hand. "Tsunade."

"I am Stephan Colbear, Peabody award-winning talk show host and proud American."

Tsunade was less hesitant to accept this hand.

For the second time, Cole was shoved aside and Brian took his place. "Brian Peafest," he reiterated breathlessly. His efforts went ignored as Tsunade focused on the person whom Brian had pushed away.

"I'm Cole McMale. Thanks for agreeing to Survivor."

Tsunade thought to herself for a moment before speaking again. "Are you the head of Operation Survivor?"

"Operation?" he mused. "It's just a TV show."

Enough was enough. If Cole could break the previously established rules without Ed scolding him than Brian could too. "It was my idea to cast teenagers!" he declared. "See, it's a good idea, 'cause they're just young enough to have that honest innocence that makes them trust others, but they're old enough to have those raging hormones that make them moody and easily offended. Doesn't that sound like fun?" -wink- "_And_ they got new and improved hosts," he stated joyously while Ed massaged and shook his head. "Well, _host_," he added to Tsunade in a whisper.

Tsunade crossed her arms tightly beneath her chest. "So, you're going to be exploiting my ninja? I was under the impression - because this is what I was told - that this was a survival training exercise."

"Ninja!?" Stephan's eyes grew wide, and he peered at Cole. "She said ninja!"

Frankly, Brian was stumped by this development. "Ninja?"

"Ninja. Hmm . . ." Cole mused.

A grin spread across Stephan's face. "This show is going to . . . rock!" He held out both of his fists to Cole who, in turn, reluctantly 'tickled the stones' until Tsunade cleared her throat loudly.

"Oh," Cole muttered quietly, "right. I guess you could say that we were taking advantage of them. . . ."

Tsunade's brow furrowed and Ed released a disgruntled growl.

"But we're paying you," Cole replied defensively. "You in or not?"

Ed looked at Tsunade hopefully from behind his fingers. He knew that while Cole was a jerk on T.V., in reality, he was generally relatively congenial, not to mention persuasive. A few moments passed in silence while Tsunade contemplated in silence. Suddenly, she smiled.

"All right!" she exclaimed.


	2. The Competitors Nine

'Straighten your suit. Brush and gel your hair. Shine your teeth. Double check your progress.' Brian finished his primping and emerged from his trailer, onto the compound where the show was to take place. It took a glance at his watch to make him realize that he would have to run in order to make his appointment on time. The first competitor was to arrive momentarily. So Brian ran. And made it with seconds to spare. He barely had time to spiffy up before the prompters were cued and the cameras began filming. He mustered up his most genuine smile that glimmered a freakish white in the late morning sun.

"Hello, America," he said to the camera. "You favorite host on television, Brian Peafest, here, and welcome to the new season of Survivor. This year's show takes place in an undisclosed location and manages to exploit children! Woo! Woowoo! Yay! Exploitation!"

The director was than forced to recall Brian away from his overly enthusiastic, slightly psychotic cheering and back to cue cards.

A gurgling sound filled the air waves as he cleared his throat and got back on track. "Ahem. Let's meet our first player, Choji Akamichi."

Choji was . . . confused. "Where're the matsu balls?"

Brian gave a formulated chuckle. "Matsu balls? Haha, you're quite the character. So, Choji, tell me about yourself," Brian requested, shoving the microphone in his interview's face.

He frowned at the object being held beneath his nose than locked eyes with the man holding it. "Who're you?

This time around, Brian's smile was still fake, but more forced than before. He repeated the question aloud, and attempted to keep his near flawless smile in place. "Who am I?" He stifled a cough. "_Who_ am I?" he said again while clearing his throat. This was followed up by the only way for him to cover up his obvious distress. He gave Choji a playful slap on the back, although he hit him a tad harder than was necessary. "You really are a funny one, and you'll _certainly_ make things interesting. How do you feel about your chances in this competition?"

"Competition?" Choji's hand unconsciously moved to the pocket strapped to his leg and retrieved a bag of chips. "I didn't enter any competition. You're crazy."

Brian did his best to hide it, but his eye still gave an involuntary twitch. "Well," he began begrudgingly, "good luck, and . . . those are against the rules." He finished by snatching the chip from Choji's hands.

Choji yelped. People rarely challenged his eating habits. Once he overcame his initial shock, a growl emanated from deep in his throat. "Give . . . those . . . back!" he rumbled, trying to restrain his rage.

Brian didn't allow himself to acknowledge the fact that the ground had trembled when Choji had roared. "No," he said, sticking out his tongue in a gruesome manner. "I won't have you breaking the rules. It's not fair to the others."

Choji balled his hands into fists. He really didn't want to hurt the guy, but Peafest had crossed the line. _No one_ touched the food. "HUMAN BOULDER!" he screamed.

At first, Brian just watched as Choji's torso and lower body expanded to monstrous proportions. It wasn't until his form began rolling forward did Brian realize that he was in potential danger. He began running. He was in good shape. He had to be. It was in his job description. But no amount of leg muscle nor measure of speed attainable by a normal human being could have saved him from Choji's mass.

"Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!" Ed and Tim (the director) ordered the cameraman in unison. They were both now greatly regretting electing to do this season's Survivor on a live feed.

The cameraman did what was requested of him.

**Winlock, Washington**

Dave hated the show Survivor almost as much as he hated its new host. It seemed like Brian Peafest was literally everywhere. But his wife loved it and Dave loved his wife. So, he watched it. She was especially psyched about the fact that their location was 'undisclosed.' Very exciting.

"Good luck," Brian said falsely. "And . . . those are against the rules." He collected the bag of chips.

_Now they're picking on fat kids? This is an all-time low._ Dave frowned. The kid looked very distressed. He must have been a stress eater.

"Give . . . those . . . back!"

The camera shook. Dave was officially interested. It looked like Peafest and Choji were about to have a smack down.

"No. I won't have you breaking the rules. It wouldn't be fair to the others," Brian declared cattily and stuck out his tongue.

Dave leaned forward in his seat as Choji clenched his fists. Two words cut across the silence that had captured the room.

"HUMAN BOULDER!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dave's wife pondered than quickly followed it with an "Oh!" as the boy's body grew.

"Cut to commercial!" two voices called at the same time from off-camera.

Brian's high-pitched scream filled the air. Static ran across the television screen and replaced Brian's scream which had actually turned into a long string of presumptive profanities (all words were censored).

The married couple stared at each other, their mouths hanging open. Best Week Ever would have something to say about this. The static came to an abrupt stop and in its stead stood Cole McMale and Stephan Colbear.

**The Compound**

Cole's smile was perhaps bigger than it should have been, but if you had seen Brian's terrified countenance you would have been on the verge of laughter too. "Hey," he began, "seems Peafest won't be able to host for a while, or even move for that matter. So Stephan Colbear and I - Cole McMale - will be temporarily filling in for him. Well, that's what you get for messing with a _bleep_." He paused. 'Bleep?' he had just tried to say 'ninja.' "What? I can't say _bleep_ on the air? Fine. If there's one thing that we can take away from this experience it's that Peafest screams like a girl."

"And _bleep_s don't like to have their chips messed with," Stephan added.

"Right! Luckily, Lady _bleep_ donated the use of her special police force, the _bleep bleep_ ops to deal with Choji and any other complications we may encounter."

"Don't worry, Nation! Cheaters will not be rewarded."

"Well yeah, Stephan, but he didn't technically cheat. And he isn't going to be penalized either."

"He isn't? What the _bleep_!?"

Choji cackled from off camera.

"Why you little son of a _bleep_, you mother _bleep_ing piece of _bleep bleep bleep_! Don't you pound your chest at me! Don't make me come over there! Oh, it's on!" Stephan removed his blazer and began walking forward. Fortunately, Cole grabbed him and pulled him back into the frame before trouble got too close.

"We'll be meeting our next contestant, Hinata Hyuga after a short commercial break." Cole smiled and held his breath until the camera turned off, at which time he released a sigh (he hated being so professional), and the director removed Stephan from the current set. Two hosts down. Well, temporarily anyway. _This show is going to be harder for the hosts to survive._

A very flustered Tim slowly approached Cole, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Thanks for keeping your head," he said apologetically. "Do you think you can handle being the full-time host for today?"

"You mean: can I handle reading a few more cue cards in front of a camera?" Cole asked with bitter cynicism. "Oh, I just don't know. But . . . I guess I could give it a shot."

Tim's eyes narrowed. "Save the sarcasm. This isn't Talk Soup."

"Yeah? Well, that's probably because there's _no such thing_ as 'Talk Soup' anymore," Cole replied with a crooked, sardonic smile.

"You're on in two." Tim began walking away.

"I better get paid extra for this," Cole called after him, than spent the remaining time before filming, getting to know Hinata who was oddly shy, but that was probably a good thing. It meant no problems similar to Choji's. Tim waved a hand over his head to capture Cole's attention for the countdown. He held up three fingers and proceeded to count backwards lowering one finger after each number until only a single, slim digit remained. He mouthed the word 'one' than pointed his forefinger in Cole's direction and mouthed the word 'go.'

Cole's practiced smile lit up. "Once again, I'd like to welcome you back to Survivor. I'm Cole McMale and this lovely girl is the next contestant I'd like to introduce you to, Hinata." He put a friendly arm around her.

Her face blushed a deep red. "H-hello."

"Word around the compound is that you've got your eye on a certain someone. Give us the exclusive. Who is it?"

"Oh. Oh my," she faltered meekly. Her face grew more flushed and in a moment, she had passed out into Cole's arms.

Cole looked between Tim and Ed than back again with his brow raised, unsure of what he was supposed to do next. Ed's mouth formed the shape of an 'O' and he raced forward to guide an unconscious Hinata to a nearby bench. "Oh kay," Cole Continued hesitantly. "Well, next up, we have Ino Yamanaka."

Ino approached in a single confident stride. "Hello," she purred, and clasped her hands behind her back.

"It looks like you're the only contestant who holds a steady job."

She pulled the microphone toward herself. "That's right! I am currently employed at my parents' flower shop. I've become quiet the florist if I do say so myself." Her smile gleamed in the sunlight.

"So, we have a food . . . consieur, a, er, future librarian and a florist. I'm afraid that due to earlier delays, our time has been cut tragically short and we need to move forward. Is there anything else you'd like our viewers to know?"

"Hm," she began, placing her forefinger on her cheek and thumb beneath her chin. "Sasuke," she said sweetly, "_will_ be mine and you're going down, Sakura!" Her smile had turned into a grimace by the end of the sentence.

"Very well, you heard her, folks." He placed a hand on her shoulder and pointed to the briefing area. "You'll get a full explanation over there," he explained in a hushed tone.

She flashed the camera twin peace signs with her fingers than headed to the designated area.

"Mmkay, your turn, Kiba Inuzuka."

Kiba hesitantly stepped forward. This situation smelled funny, and Cole McMale was no exception. He smelled of cologne. Kiba hated people who wore cologne and cupped both hands over his nose and mouth.

Cole was taken aback, not by Kiba's movement which could have been deemed insulting, but by the small white dog that had originally been sitting on the boy's head. It had made it's way down to the neck opening of Kiba's jacket and was now also trying to block out the smell. Cole didn't know what to ask first. "You have a dog."

Kiba nodded. Taste was 90 smell and if he opened his mouth . . . He shuddered, not wanting to think about it.

_Another difficult interview. Great._ "Are you okay?"

He opened his mouth as little as possible when he replied: "Do the world a favor and lay off the cologne," with a cough.

Tim and Ed began laughing hysterically, only stopping so that Ed could say: "The kid speaks the truth, McMale!"

"I'm not wearing that much," Cole yelped defensively.

Kiba gave a short, sharp laugh (which he immediately regretted due to the intake of breath it required). "Yeah and Naruto graduated top of his class at the academy! . . . He didn't really. I was making a sarcastic comparison," he clarified.

"Right. Yeah, I got that." Cole took Kiba by the shoulder and gave him a firm push in the direction of the briefing area.

The small dog released an eerily low and dangerous growl.

"Don't worry Akamaru," Kiba began softly. "We'll get him later. After all, with a smell that strong, we can easily find where he sleeps."

Now Cole was worried. He looked to Tsunade - who had been overseeing things since the Choji incident - for support. She shrugged.

"Don't worry about him. He was joking. He's harmless. He won't do anything."

"Still," Cole murmured weakly.

"I'll go talk to him," she offered.

Cole gave a gracious "Thank you!" and led out to commercial. _Two hosts down. One to go._

**. . .**

The commercial break had come and gone. Cole was still feeling edgy and apprehensive. He could only hope that he had already encountered the worst of the contestants. There was something so beastly and animalistic about Kiba that would not allow Cole to doubt his lack of inhibitions. And Cole hadn't even said anything to offend the kid! He had been the perfect host and despite it all . . . Kiba had still felt the need to issue a threat.

"Hey," Cole said weakly to the camera. "We have a few more contestants to introduce before the end of this episode. So, welcome Naruto Uzamaki."

Naruto bounded forward. "Hey, you feelin' okay, fella? You're lookin' pale."

Cole started at Naruto's abnormally loud speaking voice.

"Is it 'cause of Kiba? I can take him down for you, if you want! I've done it before."

"YOU GOT LUCKY!"

"Maybe, but I could do it again!" he shouted to Kiba. To Cole, he said: "I took down Neji too." As though this should have meant something to him. "And he was supposed to be so tough. I'm a tricky one!" Naruto grinned a grin that appeared too big for his face.

"Anything else you wanna say?" Cole asked, finally coming to in a figurative sense.

"Like what?"

"Likes, dislikes, hobbies?"

"I like ramen! And I don't like . . . not ramen! And my hobbies are . . . eating ramen!"

"Oddly enough, you're probably the most normal competitor I've met so far."

"Really! Thanks, I guess."

As Naruto trotted away, Cole proceeded with the next introduction. "Next up, we have our final female contestant. Sakura Haruno, come on out."

She was at his side in an instant. "Naruto didn't do anything embarrassing, did he?" she asked abruptly.

"No, he was actually relatively normal."

"Oh, that's good." _Way to go, Naru!_

"I don't know if you were listening earlier, but Ino issued a challenge of sorts. Do you have anything to say regarding this?"

_You bet I have something to say!_ "Yeah! You're no match for me, Ino-Pig!" She stuck out her tongue.

"All right. We're down to our final three contestants. Sasuke Uchiha, you're up next. Sakura, if you could just take a seat over-"

"I'm fine here."

"Kay. Sasuke, you're looking a little frightened of the competition," Cole said with no basis in reality. All he had to do was read the cure cards, after all.

"No, I don't."

"I know." He abandoned the cards. "You aren't really showing any emotion . . . at all. . . ."

"Hn."

"So, you and Sakura go back a long ways?" Cole asked, noting the fondness in Sakura's gaze.

"Not really."

Sakura looked crestfallen.

Sasuke took notice and must have had something that resembled a soft spot for her in his heart because he added: "But I guess she's the closest thing that I have to a friend."

"Oh. You're a loner. A rebel?"

"Not really. I'm an avenger."

"Hey! Sasuke!" Naruto called and pounced into the shot as well, throwing an arm around Sasuke's shoulders. "I got introduced before you! Guess that means I'm more important!"

"They're going in alphabetical order, Naruto!" Sakura declared, sounding as though she took offense to the very idea that Naruto could possibly be superior to Sasuke in any way, shape or form.

"I take it you guys are pals," Cole stated.

"Pretty much," Naruto sang.

"More or less . . . mostly less," Sasuke confessed.

Brian made a judgment right then and there. Sasuke liked these two more than he would let on. Revealing that you had friends was revealing that you had a weakness. Sasuke wanted to seem much stronger than he was. "Unfortunately, we have another segment or two left that we need to cover. So, we should probably get moving along. The final two after this short commercial break."

Naruto still had his arm around Sasuke's shoulders and Sakura pulled him into a hug while all he did was cross his arms and roll his eyes for the final shot before the 'Head On' commercial filled viewer's screens.

**. . .**

"And we're back, folks, with Shikamaru Nara who, despite reportedly receiving the second lowest scores in his class, has an I.Q. of over two hundred."

"Whatever. Could we speed this up?"

Cole arched an eyebrow. "We still have a few seconds to burn. . . ."

"Man," Shika groaned, "what a drag."

"Well, you don't _have_ to stay for the whole allotted time for this interview, I guess."

"Good." He walked out of the shot without another word.

Reading cue cards was becoming tedious especially since they weren't getting a any of the desired results. "Shino Aburame," he said in a resigned voice, waving the boy over.

Shino was the epitome of collected. He was calmest out of the entire group so far. Sasuke may have won that contest, but a few disadvantages (whose name started with an 'N') kept the figurative prize out of his reach. Shino was seemingly also the most reasonable. He didn't avoid speaking, nor did he do nothing but. He said what was necessary.

"Hey, you're our last contestant. You've gotten to see everyone in interview action. How do you feel about your standing amongst the rest of the competition?"

"I'd like to answer your question honestly, but I cannot because I don't want to be over or underestimated. I'd rather be judged by my actions than by my statement."

Cole sighed. An intelligent and intriguing answer. _Finally._ He seriously wanted to hug Shino in that moment. Sanity . . . _possible_ sanity. Cole wasn't about to 'count his eggs before they hatched' as some may say. "That's, uhm, a very level headed response." He smiled a toothy grin that could be interpreted a number of ways. "Don't tell the others, but you're my favorite," he confided, sounding as though he was jesting. He wasn't joking.

Shino may have smirked, but it was hard to tell due to his high collar.

"You are all from the same town. Are there any rivalries that we should know about?"

"Well," he began coolly, "as you've seen Sakura and Ino are, but other than that we are all rather civil. With Naruto being one of the exceptions. He sees everyone as a rival, but no one pays him much attention or respect. There's more sense of competition among the slightly more experienced in our village."

Tim motioned for Cole's attention.

"Next, we're going to be introducing them to our first challenge of sorts, but before that, a word from our sponsors."

As soon as the cameras were off, Shino turned to Cole. "One question, possibly a few others if your first answer doesn't suffice."

Cole shrugged. "Shoot."

"What are you expecting to come of this?"

"The show? Hopefully some kickass ratings."

"Hm," Shino replied thoughtfully.

"What?"

"Things my not work out the way you planned." His voice was quiet and even as ever.

_Is that . . . a threat?_

As though he could read Cole's mind, Shino shook his head. "You better have a good prize lined up for the winner because that's the first question you'll be asked and if you don't have a good response prepared you won't be able to get much from my peers."

"I'll keep that in mind."

**Five Hours Later**

Cole stepped through the brush into the small opening where the cast had been instructed to assemble. The cameraman sat up from the spot where he had been lounging.

"Ready to film part two?" They had been forced to air two separate thirty-minute segments live, hours a part.

Cole nodded and took a seat on a log opposite the teenagers, waiting for his cue to begin. He didn't smile this time when the signal was given. They had already filmed the introduction that they would now show at the beginning of each episode and it featured Brian (sporting a number of bandages and a D.I.Y. paper mache cast - it wasn't intentionally humorous). "Before we continue, are there any questions?"

Naruto's hand shot into the air. Before receiving any recognition, he blurted out, "Are we _really_ on TV!?" and flashed the camera a huge grin.

"Yeah. Anything else?"

Hinata blushed and tried to hide her face.

"Is there a prize?" Kiba wondered.

Shino shot Cole a knowing glance.

He hesitated. "Besides the glory, honor and knowledge that you're the best _bleep_ your age?"

"That's enough for me!" Naruto declared.

"Not me," Kiba scowled.

A few others murmured in agreement.

Cole recovered. "Well, _of course_ there's a prize! But it's a _sur_prise."

Sasuke was the first to stand without a word.

Kiba was the first to speak. "Yeah . . . that doesn't do it for me. I'm out."

"Me too," Choji muttered.

"I'm with you guys," Shikamaru concurred. "This is turning out to be a drag."

Ino and Sakura stood up at this point as well, not wanting to have anything to do with the show if Sasuke wasn't part of it.

The four boys and majority of the girls moved to leave. Ed waved his hands and mouthed at Cole to do something frantically. "Stop them!" Ed begged desperately.

He wasn't left with much of a choice. If this group left, only one-third of those originally hired would remain. "Fine, wait."

All six of the teens simultaneously turned around. "Yes," Kiba had apparently taken it upon himself to be spokesperson of the group.

"Well, I'm not supposed to tell you, but you'll get . . . one granted wish. But, y'know, it has to be within ours or your village leader's power to _actually_ grant."

Everyone thought it over mutedly and came to the same conclusion. The offer was good enough to make them stay. Cole chuckled a little to himself. He couldn't believe it had actually worked. The makeshift seats were once again filled.

"Good. If there are no more questions, we can begin." He paused in case anyone wanted to challenge him. No one did. "Okay. You're going to be divided into three teams to begin with."

"Do we get team names?" Naruto asked eagerly.

"You can name your team if you feel you must."

"Let's do that!"

"You _can_, as long as you realize that these teams are very temporary. Your teams should be familiar to you. They are the same teams you were placed in shortly after graduating from the academy."

Naruto immediately jumped up and rushed to Sakura's side. The two other groups had already been sitting together, probably habitually. They all huddled together, apparently also liking the idea of team names.

"The Ramen Ruffians!" Naruto's voice stood out amongst the rest.

"No, Naruto," Sakura half screeched. "You're such a loser!"

"Team Uzamaki?" was his second offer. That option wasn't looking likely either. "Wait! I have a better one!" he yelped before Sakura could dismiss his most recent epiphany. "How 'bout The Kiba Killers!" He finished by sticking his tongue out at Kiba who hadn't even heard him. Kiba was too absorbed in teamly matters.

A commercial break passed. "'Kay guys, here's the deal: a group of teenagers, sitting in circles, talking? It's, frankly, kind of boring. So, if you are going to have team names, you're gonna have to think of them _now_."

Ino stood up and pointed to the sky. "Team Ino-Shika-Cho!"

"The Best Team," Kiba grinned.

Naruto folded up his legs so that he was sitting 'Indian style.' "Team Uza-"

"Shut up, Naruto," Sakura interrupted.

Out of fear that this would go on much longer, Cole spoke. "Begin submitting your bets now," he said to the camera. "Eliminations will begin two weeks from now, at which point, we will no longer be airing on a live feed." He addressed the children than. "Best Team, Team Ino-Shika-Cho, Team Uza- Shut Up Naruto, there aren't going to be any eliminations today, but you still need to create shelters and your team will be judged by how well those shelters are built. The team with the highest quality shelter will be given a choice between three rewards. Now, go."

Kiba opened his mouth to say something, but snapped it shut when Shino gave him a side long glare. Cole silently thanked god for Shino's cooperation.

The three teams shot off in opposite directions at inhuman speeds.

**Ten Minutes Later**

"Haha, we're done," Kiba barked. "Hinata, find that Joel guy."

She didn't bother correcting her comrade. "Byakugan," she muttered, performing the corresponding hand sign. Cole was easily located. She jabbed a finger in his direction and said, "He's not far."

"I'll go get him," Kiba offered, but Shino wouldn't allow it.

"Hinata," he addressed in his routinely quiet voice, "would you mind doing the honors or should I?"

"I'll go."

"I said I would," Kiba grumbled as Hinata disappeared into the forest.

"Yes, but you haven't been the most trustworthy ally lately, and I don't want you to give Cole a hard time."

"The host? Why not?"

"He and his companions will have enough on their plate without your being difficult."

"Oh. Thanks," Kiba replied with sarcastic acid.

"Don't take that attitude with me," Shino warned. He and Kiba were allies, friends even, but Kiba's increasingly obvious disdain for any kind of authority was starting to bug Shino - no pun intended.

When Hinata returned with Cole and one of the nameless cameramen, the tension dissolved. The two men who weren't from the Leaf Village could do nothing but stare in awe at the sturdy, two story bungalow that had been constructed in a little under nine minutes.

"Oh my god," Cole mouthed. It was all that he could muster given the situation. He gestured to the home. "May I?"

"May you what?" Kiba snarled.

"Go inside? Check it out?"

The three teenagers nodded, some more graciously than others. Cole stepped over the threshold. The Best Team lived up to its name, as far as he could tell. And they didn't skimp on details or furniture.

"Trained termites and Kiba's claws," Hinata's tiny, tinkling voice explained quietly. Cole wondered if he was really _that_ transparent or if ninja were simply able to read minds.

_Simply? If that were the case, it certainly wouldn't be 'simple.'_

"Bedrooms are upstairs," Kiba stated. "You can go look there too, if you want," he continued, forcing himself to sound as congenial as possible. If there was one person that he didn't want to make too angry, it was Shino.

"No, no, I'm fine," Cole replied, still confused as to how so much had been achieved in so little time. "What are you, uh, gonna do about food?"

"Shino knows a lot about plant life, but, uh," Kiba leered at Cole, "if worse comes to worst . . ." He tapped his nose. "I'm a pretty good hunter."

Cole gulped. That was a threat if he had ever heard one. _Why is he so determined to harm me?_ It was at this moment that Cole looked at Shino and Kiba standing side by side and just by looking at them, he could see the balance of power in this group. Kiba wanted to be alpha, it was who he was, but Shino was a natural leader. If you watched them from the outside, you would have thought that Kiba was, in fact, the leader, but a closer examination would reveal the truth. Kiba was the speaker of the group, but Shino was the bellwether. Cole may have feared Kiba, but Kiba had to answer to Shino and Shino was - for some inexplicable reason - determined to make this situation as easy as possible for Cole.

Shino frowned at Kiba. "Speaking of which, go hunting," he ordered suddenly.

Apparently taken aback, Kiba glanced between Shino, Cole and the camera than back again. It wasn't like Shino to give him orders in front of the present company, or any company for that matter. "What are you doing?" he growled.

"Just do it."

He didn't want to, but he obeyed.

A few minutes passed before Cole vacated the house. Shikamaru stood a few meters away. "We're finished," he said coolly, not taking his eyes off of the accurately named "Best Team"'s house. It must have been impressive, even for a ninja's doing.

**Team Ino-Shika-Cho's H.Q.**

When Cole said that Team Ino-Shika-Cho's creation was "impressive," he wasn't lying, but it couldn't compare to The Best Team's. Perhaps the teams were a little uneven. Each of the teams may have been equal in strength, but when it came to necessary home construction skills, it was clear who was wanting. Ino, Shikamaru and Choji had created what resembled a cabin, a one-roomed shabby cabin.

"Are you just a village of overachievers?"

"Not a chance," Ino snorted. "I mean, did you see Naruto? He gives us all a bad name."

Naruto had been one of the friendly kids, so Cole didn't say anything to encourage or discourage Ino's beliefs.

"So, what do you think of our 'humble abode?'" she chattered.

He opened his mouth to reply only to be interrupted by Shikamaru. "Don't start bragging, Ino," he groaned. "Kiba's is two stories, not including the basement."

Ino made a face. "That's a little excessive." Clearly, she was trying to defend her team's efforts.

"Basement," Cole mouthed absentmindedly.

"No fair!" Ino stamped her foot into the ground.

"At least we have food," Choji replied.

"_WE?_ You don't share." She flopped onto her backside, her lower lip jutting out in a pout. "This sucks." She pulled her knees up to her chin.

In an effort to lift Ino's spirit and while cursing himself for being such a pushover, Cole asked to be allowed inside Team Ino-Shika-Cho's cabin. "Well, do I get the grand tour?" he questioned modestly.

A small smile crept across Ino's angelic face, and she gave a vigorous nod.

The cabin was nice. Quaint and not in a backhanded compliment way. "This is nice," he said sincerely and smiled a crooked smile.

"Stop being so polite." Shikamaru frowned.

"Yeah. We all know Kiba's is much better. Shika assured us of that," Choji stated with a scowl.

Cole followed suit. "You know, Kiba isn't the only person on that team."

"Leader gets all the credit. Why do you think Ino and I never get noticed?"

Grimacing, Ino huffed. She muttered something inaudible under her breath.

"For the last time, Ino, no one considers you the leader of our squad!"

"Shut it, fattie!" she shot back. Her brow lowered, hooding her eyes.

Choji growled. "Take it back!" He jabbed a finger at Ino.

Cole decided to take his leave before this exchange of words morphed into an all out brawl, sliding out the door as stealthily as possible.

**Team Uza- Shut up Naruto's H.Q.**

No matter how often the camera guy appointed to chronicle Team Uza- Shut Up Naruto's escapades told Naruto that he was not to talk directly into the camera, unless it was the camera reserved exclusively for video diaries, it didn't seem to matter. He would always address the audience watching in their living rooms directly from the main camera assigned to him. "It's not that I don't like Sasuke. I kinda consider him the closest thing that I have to a brother."

"Please don't talk to me," the cameraman begged.

"But the fact that we aren't even related probably makes our sibling rivalry stronger and less bridled," he mused. Than laughed in his obnoxious way. "See, I've never actually had a family, and -"

Sasuke furrowed his brow.

When Sakura noticed, she scolded Naruto. "Pull your own weight, Naruto!" She tossed her shoe in his direction. It bounced off of his head and then the camera before settling on the ground.

"It's almost done anyway," he grumbled, than looked back at the camera beaming. "We're so gonna win! I mean look at this place. It's like a freakin' mansion! in the middle of the forest . . . Or wherever we are."

Squad 7's cameraman, Ronnie, got a great shot of the shelter. It was the approximate image of a Victorian era home complete with a veranda and porch swing.

Naruto stared at his team's handiwork. "It's great! No one could have possibly done better!"

"I think you may be right for once," Sakura said with a pleasant smile. _Cha! We rock!_ "I'll go get Cole!" With that, she disappeared into the surrounding woods.

Sasuke sat down on the porch and a mischievous smile appeared on Naruto's face. "Hey, Sasuke," he rumbled in a chiding voice.

"Hn?"

"Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu."

Sasuke smirked and leapt into the air, narrowly avoiding a shuriken.

**. . .**

Sakura rushed through the compound, searching for Cole McMale. She picked up her pace when she heard a noise that vaguely sounded like a small explosion. _That can't be good._ Perhaps she moved a little too swiftly because she ended up running head on into Cole's cameraman. It took her a moment to realize what had happened after she stopped a few yards away from where the cameraman lied, sprawled limply on the ground. She had ceased movement after initial contact, but the poor defenseless man had been sent flying. "Oh! I'm so sorry! I hope the camera isn't broken. . . . Maybe I could fix it, if it is."

"Don't worry about him."

The man sat up. "Excuse me! I think I may have broken something and you're telling her not to worry!?" He frowned. "And the cameras in pieces."

"I'm training to be a medical ninja. I can help you," Sakura offered.

"Don't touch me!"

Her face fell. _What a jerk._ "Okay. Well." She picked up a few fragments of the camera and began reassembling it.

"What are you doing?"

She held up the camera that now looked as good as new, but not before smiling into the lens, treating the viewers, who had been staring at a screen full of static while Sakura made repairs, to a shot of Sakura's beautiful pale green eyes. "It's fixed."

He reluctantly retrieved his camera from Sakura's outstretched hands. "Gee, thanks."

She clasped her hands together and bowed over slightly before recalling her purpose. "Oh. We finished the first challenge."

"I hope you did your best."

"You expected any less?"

He shrugged. "Good luck, anyway."

Cole ignored the fact that he was supposed to be the one giving well wishes. It took them about fifteen minutes to arrive at the Victorian-esque household. As they neared, they could distinctly hear a scuffle ending in a voice shouting:

"Rasengan!"

Sakura emerged into the small meadow first and was the only one to see Sasuke smoothly dodge Naruto's Rasengan in one seemingly insignificant movement. It wouldn't have mattered except that Naruto had gained too much momentum to stop and this resulted in his careening into their hard work, effectively destroying it on impact.

Cole stepped out from behind the brush just seconds too late. "This is your 'best?'" he asked, gesturing to the pile of rubble.

"No!" Sakura was half in tears. "Naruto! What did you do!?" _I'm going to throttle him!_ "It was perfect. I swear!"

"She's right," Naruto declared with a resolute nod. "I can prove it, too. Ronnie, show them the film of what it looked like originally."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Ronnie replied soft and conniving. "You must be delusional."

"You must be evil," Naruto snarled.

Deciding that it would be in everybody's best interest to avoid a fight, Cole changed the subject. "So, food!"

Sasuke seemed to be in an even worse mood than Naruto. "What about it?"

"How're you gonna deal with that?"

"We'll manage. Why do you care?"

"Look, kid, I'm the host. It's my job to be needlessly nosey and to ask pointless questions. It's why they hired me."

"If you want to keep that nose of yours, I suggest that you keep it out of our business."

_Great. Another one hates me. I'm going to die on this set._

**Gathering Point - Fireside**

The clearing that was the officially appointed gathering point was now lit with an orange glow, emanating from the fire, lit in the center. Cole's line of vision panned across the contestants. Naruto and Sasuke were glaring furiously at Ronnie - he didn't seem to notice; either that or he didn't care. It appeared that Sakura was pouting with her chin resting on the heels of her palms and her elbows on her knees. Seated on Sakura's left was Choji. He didn't show any emotion, content with steadily whittling away his supply of processed foods. Ino's countenance was an exact replica of Sakura's. Dismal and sad. Her pout was transparently directed at Kiba. In the meantime, Shikamaru was staring at the stars, almost enviously. It was more difficult to read Hinata. She was still as ever, but slightly more evasive than before. Kiba was probably not mentally present. His eyes were glazed over, looking at something that no one else could see in a contemplative state. Cole's eyes lingered on Shino, wishing that he would take of those glasses or at least lower his collar.

"Cole, we're on in three . . . Two . . ." Tim mouthed the word 'one.'

"We're approaching the end of the official first episode of Survivor: Location Undisclosed, but before we close, we are going to announce the team that won our first unconstrained challenge and let them choose their prize." He paused. "The entire crew took a vote and by unanimous decision, the winner is . . ."

Ino cupped her face in her hands.

"The Best Team."

The expected negative reaction from the losing teams came, but the lack of any reaction from the winners was bothersome. Hinata was the first to acknowledge their success, and her acknowledgement was a forced: "Oh my! I-I'm so happy." After a moment, she took Kiba's shoulder and shook him gently.

"Huh? What? Did you say something, Joel?"

"It's Cole, and your team won the first challenge."

A cocky smile jumped onto his face. "No big deal. I knew we would. Piece of cake. Right, Shino?"

"Yes."

"Pretty generous of you to call this a competition."

"Kiba," Shino said in a cautionary voice.

"Oh, right. Overconfidence equals destruction. Got it. So, what do we get?"

"You can choose between a full three course cooked meal - you can decide what the meal consists of, and when you'll receive it - it could be weeks from now and it will be prepared by a professional chef. You could have your new home equipped with running water. Or we could give you a lot of extra blankets and sleeping bags - I don't have to tell you how cold it gets around here at night."

"Cool. We'll take the cooked mea-"

Shino's voice cut through Kiba's. "We'll take the blankets."


	3. Peafest Returns and Eliminations

**Wesley, Massachusetts**

Dave dropped his bags on the hotel room bed with a sigh. Business trips. What could he say? They were boring and tedious but entirely necessary. Who knew? Maybe this would be the trip that would get him into his boss's good graces. He settled back onto the mattress beside his luggage. He could have laid there for hours. Than he thought about where he was. What could have possibly happened in this room? On this bed. He immediately sat up. I shouldn't think about that. His hair flopped back and forth as he shook his head. Mindless TV. That'll do. His fingers gripped the remote. The screen flickered to life. Porn. Commercials. South Park. Seventh Heaven. Brian Peafest . . . The lesser of the five evils.

" . . . And this is Survivor . . . Location Undisclosed."

The theme song played and their opening sequence rolled along, fading into the face of Kiba Inuzuka. The camera was filming in night vision, which gave Kiba what Dave referred to as 'possum eye.' There were three words printed in the bottom left-hand corner: _Kiba's Video Diary_.

"So, Shino decided that we should take the blankets. Food sounded nice to me, but . . ." he took the camera and panned it across the room to show wall to wall blankets. " . . . This works too. Akamaru doesn't seem to mind either." The camera lingered on a small furry figure, resting its chin on Kiba's knee and its body on an enormous pile of blankets. "And I guess it was the decent thing to do. Shino gave a bunch of them to Sasuke's team. Well, g'night." He waved than the screen went temporarily black, replaced by a large pile of rubble and a makeshift tent consisting of thick quilts.

Two forms sat beneath it. The words "Team Uza- Shut up Naruto" were printed at the bottom of the screen.

**The Compound - Team Uza- Shut up Naruto's H.Q.**

"I guess Bug Boys less hostile than I though," Naruto grunted and lied back on the blanket that they had placed on the ground.

"Yeah," Sakura replied absentmindedly. She was focused on Sasuke. Wanting to be as independent as possible, Sasuke refused to accept Shino's charity. Sakura and Naruto went against his will. Now, he sat alone in the moonlight, under the shelter that he had constructed out of broken wood. It was a shaky shelter, but it worked. "Sasuke," she sighed weakly.

The great maw that was Naruto's mouth opened and he released a yawn before flopping back to the earth - after having sat up to observe Sakura and Sasuke's conversation. "I'm tired," he confessed. "I'll talk to you in the morning." His eyes had closed by the time his head had hit the ground, but it wasn't until he had finished his one-sided conversation with Sakura that his mind allowed him to rest.

**The Gathering Point - The Following Morning**

"Are you going to follow us everywhere?" Shikamaru groaned at the camera. "What a drag."

"So, what did you want, Sasuke?" Ino purred

All nine teenagers had gathered together at the same place

Sasuke steepled his fingers beneath his chin. "Shino actually called this to my attention. I won't take all the credit. The ultimate goal of this competition is to divide us. I propose that we for a pact."

Naruto's eyes narrowed. "What kind of pact?"

"We will not sabotage each other. We will make this as difficult as possible for them."

"That's why you've been so nice to Cole. You felt bad about plotting this." Kiba chuckled, "You're kind of evil sometimes, but that's one of your assets, I guess."

While Shino wondered if he should consider Kiba's statement a compliment, Sasuke continued talking. "What do you say?"

"I'm in!" Ino shrieked, throwing her hand into the center of the circle, palm down.

"Me too," declared Sakura, not wanting to be outdone.

"It couldn't hurt." Choji's palm, greasy from shrimp chips, landed on top of Sakura's.

Sasuke put his hand without saying anything. Shino followed suit after saying, "It _was_ my idea after all."

"I can deal with that." While still supporting Akamaru who was sleeping in his jacket with one arm, Kiba extended his other toward the circle.

"I'll try," Naruto said, reaching forward.

Hinata didn't say much before sliding her hand into the center of the group. A subtle "oh" was the only thing that escaped her lips.

"Whatever," Shikamaru sighed, and slapped his hand on top of Hinata's.

"We're all in agreement, than." The corners of Sasuke's lips turned up ever so slightly.

**Swamp Side**

Stephan smiled, he couldn't suppress it. It was his turn to host, all on his own too. The microphone was clasped securely in his hand held just below his chin

From the woods emerged the contestants, right on time.

"Hello, children!" he sang. "Are you ready for your _first_ real challenge?"

A wave of grumbles and shrugs rolled through the nine contenders except Naruto who gave a thumbs up and cheered, "Believe it!"

"See those wooden poles in the middle of the lake?"

Nine sets of eyes directed themselves at the swamp water.

"All you have to do is be the last one standing, and at least one part of you has to be touching the pole at all times. Sabotage is . . . Not encouraged, but acceptable. Whoever lasts longest is granted immunity in the first elimination. Now, get up there!"

Naruto and Kiba didn't hesitate. They both leapt into action without reserve, and within seconds, they were both perched upon two separate shafts. The others followed indifferently until everyone had taken their place.

**Naruto's Video Diary**

"Everyone is going to be making me look like the bad guy, but we'd been up there for hours! And we would have been up there for days if I hadn't done something. Besides, when he said that sabotage _wasn't_ encouraged, he meant that they were counting on it."

**Swamp Side**

This hadn't been what Ed had been expecting. "Two hours? Seriously?"

Stephan yawned. "Aren't ya happy we aren't on a live feed anymore?"

"Yeah," Ed confessed, "but if I had the powers that these kids do, it'd be a friggin' grande royale up there."

"If I had the powers that they do, Don Stuart would be working for me."

"Just wait," Tsunade purred. "I can think of at least four of them who won't last much longer without putting up a fight."

Sure enough, her words were proven true. For moments later, Naruto groaned and a mischievous grin stretched across his face. "Hey Choji," he began in a chiding voice for Choji stood immediately across from him.

Choji scowled. "What!?"

There was a slapping sound as Naruto clapped both hands together and made a hand sign. Smoke enveloped him and when it cleared, a completely nude girl with huge breasts and long blonde pigtails stood in his place.

Several things happened at once. Choji all but passed out. He had never considered that the first girl that he would ever see naked would be Naruto. Hinata blushed and shook her head, clenching her eyes shut and wondering why she had to have a crush on such a juvenile boy. Ino groaned. Kiba giggled and stared. He was only slightly ashamed that he was ogling Naruto. Sakura yelled threw a fit. "Naruto! You're so immature!" Sasuke shook his head, Shikamaru rolled his eyes and Shino lost his temper.

"Choji!" Ino screamed and flinched as he hit the water with a large splash. She rolled her eyes. "Kiba, you're drooling." When he didn't respond, she stomped her foot and threw a kunai at him.

It whistled as it flew the air. It wasn't until the last second that Kiba responded. He arched his back posterior, barely avoiding the knife. He leaned too far back and felt himself begin to fall so he continued arching his back until the tips of his fingers on one hand were touching the pole just as both feet had left it. One hand was all that was touching the wooden stake than. His digits glowed blue momentarily and he heaved himself upward, tossing a hand full of smoke pellets at Ino in the process.

"Are you getting this!?" Ed demanded.

The cameraman nodded, and zoomed in on the puff of smoke, but it was useless. Nothing could be seen in that cloud.

Choji pulled himself out of the murky water and was greeted by Stephan.

"First one down. So, that kind of makes you the loseriest loser. Any thoughts on that?"

"Figures that Naruto would be the first to break the pact. He's such a jerk." He held up a sopping wet arm. 'I'm gonna go bathe. That water reeks."

A scream erupted from the swamp. Ino wobbled on her post. Shikamaru took action. He sent his shadow in to capture Ino's, his intention being to keep her from falling, but he received the opposite reaction. The whole thing ultimately ended with Ino dragging Shikamaru into the water with her. Akamaru sat patiently in the spot that had previously been occupied by Ino.

"That's one entire team down."

Ino and Shikamaru swam to the shore.

"Your team . . . Sucks," Stephan stated matter-of-factly.

"It's all that stupid Naruto's fault," Ino growled while Shikamaru dug a clomp of dirt out of his ear. "And . . . Grr!" She turned around and peered through the rectangle that she formed with her hands. "Mind destruction jutsu." Her body fell limply into Shikamaru's arms seconds before Naruto leapt at Kiba and they both fell into the grimy water below. Ino sat up and smiled. "All better. Let's go find Cole, Shika."

"Do you realize how much older he is than you?" Shikamaru asked off screen.

Kiba and Naruto fought to be the first out of the lake. Kiba won. They both were rewarded with a face full of muddy gunk.

Stephan held the microphone out to Kiba.

"No comment, Colbear," Kiba snarled and jostled the cameraman in passing.

"I meant to fall," Naruto promised while wiping the unidentified substance from his face.

"Interesting strategy," Stephan commented.

"Yeah, I could have deflected her jutsu if I had wanted."

"I'm sure you could have." Stephan urged Naruto to scoot along. "Four contestants remain. Who will the winner be? Stay tuned to find out."

**. . .**

"And we're back. There are four contestants remaining in this challenge."

Sakura gazed longingly at Sasuke. No one else here would try to start something. It meant that they could be up there for days. She scowled. _Maybe if I help Sasuke win, I'll get into his good graces. _She glanced between Shino and Hinata than back again. It was clear who would be the easiest to knock down.

The past few minutes Hinata had spent staring at the water. She didn't want to fall in there. It was disgusting.

"Hey, Hinata"

The sound of Naruto's voice made her look up. There he was staring at her.

"I've been meaning to tell you something for a long time."

"Wh-what?"

Sakura --who had used a transformation jutsu to make herself look like Naruto - smirked. It was working, but she couldn't suppress the twinge of guilt that she felt from playing with Hinata's emotions. "I really, _really_ like you."

Hinata's face turned a bright pink, and her eyes rolled back in her head. She fell, but there was no splash to be heard. Shino had been kind enough to send out his bugs to catch her before she landed in the water.

"I'm done," he said quietly than leapt from the pole to a tree to the ground.

"Me too." Sasuke shrugged. "I'm bored." And he followed suit.

"Congratulations!" Stephan cried. "You've won immunity from this week's elimination, Sakura! Come on down."

She dropped from the stake, but didn't allow herself to be immersed in the water. She walked across the open lake onto the land. Slowly she approached Stephan who threw his arm around her shoulders.

"How does it feel to be the winner of our first challenge?"

"It backfired," she whimpered.

"Huh?"

"It always backfires," she sighed.

**The Gathering Point - That Night**

Brian and Cole fought over the microphone for several minutes before the camera turned on. "Back off Peafest," Cole growled. "This is my section to host!"

"No! You host the eliminations, not the part _before_ the eliminations!"

"Guys, we're on," Tim barked.

"Welcome to the first elimination," Brian chimed into the mic.

"And _I'm_ your host, Cole McMale."

"Me too! Brian Peafest!"

"Peafest, take care of the introductions," Ed ordered.

"Thank you. If you're just now tuning in, Sakura is immune from elimination tonight. This is our first elimination of the season. Who will be the first to go?"

"McMale, you're on."

"'Kay, guys. This is pretty straight forward. Vote for the person who you think should be sent home. Sakura, since you were the winner, you get to vote first." He gestured to a stump with nine slips of paper and a pencil on it.

Sakura approached the stump and knelt down. "There's a camera here too," she moaned.

**Wesley, Massachusetts**

Out of all of the contestants, Sakura had been the one that Dave had expected least from, and yet, there she was, the winner. She plopped down in front of a camera and complained about its presence. She scratched out a name. "Sorry, but you're killing the heat between me and Sasuke," she said before placing scrap of paper in a small wooden box.

The next shot was of Sasuke writing down his vote. "Hn."

Shino was next. "I hate this show," he grumbled.

"I'm so sorry," Hinata said weakly.

"This'll teach that butt munch!" Naruto grinned.

Kiba smirked, and flashed his vote at the viewers. The scrap of paper read _Shino_. "If it narrows the playing field . . ."

"Whatever," Shikamaru groaned before dropping his ballot into the box.

Ino's beautiful blue eyes shone brightly. "You're draggin' us down, Cho."

Choji, still munching on chips, didn't say anything.

"All votes have been cast!" Brian declared.

Cole rolled his eyes.

"Time to read them off!" Brian took a dramatic pause and waited for Cole to pass him the box of ballots. He slipped his hand into the box and withdrew the first sheet. "Choji, one." His hand went in for another dip. "Shino, one." Another. "'Peafest'? Who wrote this!?" Brian demanded.

Choji chuckled.

Brian ripped the paper up pointedly. "Naruto, one," he continued persistently. "Kiba, one." The next slip came out and Brian stared at it for a while, raising one eyebrow. "Shino, two. Sasuke, one." Another pause denoting the second vote for a single person. "Naruto, two. This is the final vote. This vote decides who goes home, Shino or Naruto."

Cole grimaced. It was either the nice kid with too much energy or the seemingly normal one. Cole's two favorite people and one of them was going to be leaving. Brian reached for the box a ninth time, but Cole was too quick and snatched the paper before Brian could. He stared at the paper for longer than he should have, closed his eyes in distress and muttered quietly, "Shino." Cole couldn't be sure, but he could have sworn that Shino smiled.

**Shino's Video Diary**

Shino was smirking. "Yeah, I was voted off. I really can't say that I mind. I hate being on this show. Why do you think I voted for myself and asked Kiba to vote for me too? Well . . ." He stood. "Good riddance."


	4. Knock Off Ninjas

**Winlock, Washington**

Upon seeing a familiar car in his driveway, Dave had entered his home expecting to be met with the sight of his brother and wife chatting lightly in the living room. They weren't talking, not even close. Hence, Dave was spending his second straight week in a hotel room. He flipped on the TV as he had so often before. Every channel was static with only one exception. He groaned at the image of Brian Peafest holding out an arm to the title graphic reading _Survivor_. Funny how that cast on his other arm had only been needed for a week.

"Last time," Brian began in an ominous voice, "on Survivor."

Naruto popped up on screen. "I guess Bug Boys less hostile than I thought." He was instantly replaced by Stephan gesturing to a swampy body of water.

"Your first _real_ challenge," a poorly edited voiceover said.

Another flash and the nine teenagers were standing on separate shafts in the middle of the lake. Choji fell, blood streaming from his nose. Ino screamed than both she and Shikamaru emerged from a large puff of smoke and toppled from their perches. Kiba leapt and tackled Naruto. Hinata passed out. Shino and Sasuke voluntarily bowed out, leaving Sakura as the winner.

Cole studied the scrap of paper. "Shino."

The camera zoomed in close on Shino's face. Another voice over. "Why do you think I voted for myself and asked Kiba to vote for me too?"

The screen faded to black than reignited with a shot of Naruto prancing around the dying bonfire, singing, "You tried to get rid of me, but you can't 'cause I'm Naruto Uzamaaaaaki."

The editor chose to cut to a different shot, in which you could still hear Naruto's song.

**Team Ino-Shika-Cho's H.Q.**

"Ugh," Shikamaru growled. "Does he ever shut up?"

"I can't believe you, Choji!" Ino trilled. "Falling for such a lame trick! We're the laughing stock of the universe! Our entire team went down one member after the other."

"We're all still here, aren't we? Just keep your head and we'll be fine. Got it?"

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Shikamaru. People see you as a threat. If you don't win immunity you're going to be sent home next."

He yawned. "Not such a bad idea. I've been considering pulling a Shino."

"You most certainly will not!"

There was a knock at the door that didn't surprise anyone. Choji, being the closest in proximity, answered.

Ed peered into the house hesitantly. "I, uh, came to tell you guys about the next challenge. Meet out on the beach at seven a.m. sharp."

The three teenagers glanced at each other in the dark.

"I guess we should get some rest," Ino said with a scowl.

**The beach; 7:20 a.m.**

The eight remaining contestants stared blankly out at the sea. A few of them - Choji, Naruto and Shikamaru to be exact - were barely awake. Ino had the brilliant idea of arriving to the designated spot early so as to impress her now admitted crush, Cole. So, altogether, her team had been waiting for the remainder of the crew to show up for a total of forty-five minutes.

**Shikamaru's Video Diary**

"So . . ." He paused to wipe his sweaty brow. "Ino got this genius idea of heading to the beach early. Apparently that was supposed to woo Cole, but I really doubt he cares about that. She's way too young for him. I don't even think he's going to show up. And she just had to drag Cho and me along. Y'know, I wouldn't have cared if she had just left us out of it, but clearly that's too much to ask from her. This is such a pain. I'd do what Shino did, but then Ino would take her anger out on me." He rolled his dark eyes. "I feel sorry for whoever gets stuck with her as a wife. Good luck, Cole. With the way she's pursuing you, you're gonna need it."

**The beach; 7:21 a.m.**

"The suns barely up," Naruto panted quietly. "But it's still so hot." He stripped off his shirt and laid himself upon the ground. No one on the shore was fully clothed. It was much too warm for that. The boys were all shirtless, the girls were in bathing suits, and everyone was barefoot.

"I say we just leave," Kiba muttered and stretched out as far as was possible for him.

Akamaru whimpered in agreement.

"Then you'll be automatically eliminated."

At this, those who had been lying down sat erect.

"Took you long enough," Choji said with a scowl. He had already eaten his way through two bags of chips, and was steadily working on a third.

Stephan's joy temporarily faded when his eyes landed on Choji, but as soon as he looked away his aberrantly hostile delight reoccupied his face and he faced one of the many cameras. "Hello nation, I'm Stephan Colbear - proud American and Peabody award winning news show host. Welcome to our second challenge." He turned to the side and gestured to the teenagers. "These are our remaining competitors: Choji, Ino, Shikamaru, Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, Kiba and Hinata."

Choji continued eating. Ino smiled and tossed her hair about in a way that some may have considered attractive. Shikamaru rolled his eyes. Sasuke crossed his arms. Naruto beamed and waved. Sakura gave a hesitant smile. Kiba winked and Hinata blushed and turned away.

"So," Ino began, hopping to her feet, "where's Cole hiding?" She twirled a strand of hair around her finger in a fashion that was supposed to be seductive. It almost was too, except that the digit ended up becoming ensnared. This resulted in her crying out in pain and having to get Sakura's help untangling the mess.

"He's not hiding. He's in his trailer." This was only a half truth. Cole really was in his trailer, but he was also hiding from Kiba. Late a few nights ago he had sent Akarmaru after Cole. Not much damage had been done. Really, it had just been a small scare and although it hadn't been in fun, Kiba and Akamaru truly hadn't meant any honest-to-god harm. "But sadly, we're running short on time and have none to discuss your freaky man crush."

"I don't have a crush on him!" Ino yelped. She had only confided that in Choji and Shikamaru although to everyone else it was as plain as the tiny nose on her childishly round face. "You know my heart beats only for one person!" She winked in Sasuke's direction.

"Right. Of course," Stephan said with a hearty laugh. "Now, if you could all turn your attention to the horizon." He slid his arm in the ocean's direction, ala Vana White.

The participants did as they were told and off in the distance they could see two small, wooden boats which were both probably anchored seeing as neither of them moved much in spite of the waves tearing through the water. A few meters closer to the shore floated two buoys. These were what he discussed next.

"From these stakes," he rested a hand on one of the afore mentioned wooden shafts, "to those buoys is the attack zone." This was a good twenty-five yards long and fourteen wide. "You are not allowed to do anything to an opponent outside of this area. This is a relay race. . . . Sort of. That means you're going to be working as teams. Each team member, one at a time, must reach the boat and return with one of the items placed in the boat once. First we're gonna divide you up into two teams. You cannot go outside of the strings strung from the stakes to the buoys. If you do, you'll be out of bounds and instantly disqualified. Any questions?"

"So, we're gonna be in completely different teams?" Naruto asked with a frown.

"Uuuhm . . . I don't know. I just read the cue cards. I'm the beautiful figurehead, not the mastermind. "

Ed scratched frantically on a piece of poster board.

"Oh! Here we are. 'You're being placed in two groups based on your ranking in the past challenges,'" Stephan read robotically. "Any other questions?"

"Just tell us the teams," Shikamaru ordered.

"All right, grumpy pants. Team one consists of Choji, Shikamaru, Kiba and Sasuke. Team two is Ino, Naruto, Hinata and Sakura."

The teenagers hesitantly separated into their groups.

"Ha-ha!" Kiba thrust his finger in the opposing team's direction. "Naruto's on the _girl's_ team. Ha-ha! That's so not an accident." He elbowed Choji. "Right? " When no one else responded, Kiba cleared his throat.

"Are these supposed to be equal teams?" Shikamaru questioned.

"Uhm . . . Yes." Stephan replied.

In response, Shikamaru shook his head doubtfully.

"What's that supposed to mean!?" demanded Naruto.

"Look, Naruto, it's no secret that there is the only one person on your team worthy of fearing except when you have your little tantrums and Hinata isn't exactly powerful. The only worthwhile one on your team is Ino, and even her power is limited."

"That's so not fair, Shika! You're such a jerk!" Ino whined. "For that, you're so going down!"

"Let's be honest, Ino," Choji said through a mouthful. "You aren't exactly the cleverest."

Flames erupted in Ino's eyes. She was more determined than ever. "Please continue, Stephan," she said quietly.

"Yeah, 'cause I was just waiting for your permission. . . . Anyway, are you all ready? Good. On your marks, get set go!"

The words had been spoken so quickly that it took a second for the teams to react. When they did, Sasuke was the first to move. Naruto only moved after he saw Sasuke do so. The latter sprinted across the water, not bothering to mess with Naruto who was trying to run on top of the water, but could only get his torso un submerged and as it was, it would have been faster for him to swim. But Naruto didn't make that connection, and by the time he had made it to the boat, Choji was on his way out.

Choji did something odd that completely defied the laws of physics. He swallowed the sea. This made it easier for Naruto to run back to the shore, after punching Choji in the stomach and making all of that water come back up. A strong wave smashed into most of the people on the shore except a few very lucky cameramen.

This set Choji back, but not for long. Soon after Choji had almost made it halfway back, Ino was on her way out. As soon as he touched dry land, Kiba was off. He sent Akamaru after Ino, but when she got to the boat she hacked into Akamaru's mind and turned him back to attack Kiba. She had never tried it on a dog before so she was a little surprised that it performed so well under the circumstances. After Kiba was significantly battered, she took her own mind back, grabbed a trinket and rushed back to the shore while Kiba struggled to swim to the boat with Akamaru pulling on his sleeve.

Sakura did something that she probably shouldn't have, but she felt bad. While Kiba was still in the attack zone, she ran over to him, ordered him to hold still and healed his wounds. Than she sprinted to the boat and back to the land, Kiba following on her heels. By the time Kiba was on his way back, Hinata was heading out. Shikamaru didn't bother leaving although Choji and Kiba were screaming at him go.

"There's no point. Hinata may not be strong, but she's fast."

"I swear, if you don't get out there right now, I'm going to beat the crap out of you!" Kiba snarled.

Shikamaru just smirked and the challenge had been lost.

"That was . . . Well, interesting." Stephan wanted to smack Shikamaru himself. Because of him, their ratings would probably plummet. "In any case, our winner is Sasuke because he spent the least amount of time in the water. However, the other team is the one that is exempt from elimination. Don't you leave, nation. We'll be right back with the elimination."

**Gathering Point; Fireside**

When the camera started recording, Brian was beaming joyfully. "Hello, our charming viewers. I am Brian Peafest and welcome to this week's elimination."

The teenagers were all sitting around the fire on their makeshift seats, looking exhausted. Most of them had gone to bed late the previous day and they had woken up early that morning. As a general consensus, they all just wanted to sleep.

"This is our second elimination." Brian was trying too hard to keep peoples attention. "Anyway, since this challenge was a group challenge, Sakura, Hinata, Naruto and Ino are all ineligible for elimination. So, keep that in mind while you're voting." He paused, scowled, than passed the microphone to Cole McMale.

"Thank you, Peafest. Sakura . . ." Cole glanced at the small girl. "Since you are currently at the top of our leader board, you may go first."

She approached the stump on which sat a pencil and eight scraps of paper. She selected the smallest scrap, grumbling, "the only people I want to vote off are immune." She scratched down a name than dropped it in the box that was being held by Brian.

Next was Hinata. She took a longer time to decide, but the person who she did decide upon, she did so because she thought it would help them. To the camera, she didn't say a word, instead choosing to keep all of her thoughts in her head. Hurriedly, she wrote the name than folded the paper and dropped it in the box.

Sasuke was third. With an air of vengeance, he wrote down a name and readily showed it to the camera. "It's his own fault. He was begging for it." The paper read "Shikamaru."

Naruto pranced up to the stump joyfully. He had won. He was going to win. He could see it now. Everything was going according to plan. All he had to do now was get rid of a few people. At first, he couldn't decide whether to vote for Kiba or Sasuke, and then it was clear to him. The bigger threat was Sasuke, and so, he cast his vote.

Kiba approached with the same bitterness as Sasuke had, but he didn't show his vote or even address the camera. In fact, he got out of there as soon as he could.

Ino was the third contestant who was out for revenge. "Call me useless, will ya?" she said just loud enough to be picked up by the microphones.

Shikamaru shrugged. "We all know who the biggest competition here is."

With a bag of chips at hand, Choji strolled up and chuckled before wiping his greasy hands on his shirt and writing down a name. Then the voting was over and Peafest removed the lid from the box, but it was Cole who reached inside and removed the first sheet of paper.

"Shikamaru," Cole called, "one." He reached in a second time, read the cue card which told him to build suspense. He stared at the paper for a few seconds before reading, "Sasuke, one." Again, he pulled out another scrap. "Shikamaru, two." The next sheet made him laugh a little, and it was the kind of laugh that he could not suppress. He couldn't get the words out, so instead he held it out for Brian to read.

"Peafest's mom!? What the hell!? Whoever is doing this needs to stop!"

Cole cleared his throat than reached inside the box again. After reading the paper, he eyed Shikamaru and said "Shikamaru, three." He paused and drew another scrap of paper. "Sasuke, two." This was getting tense. If Sasuke's name was there again, he and Shikamaru would have to do some sort of tie breaker. He was about to reach in for the eighth time, but Ed called for commercial and Peafest stuck his nasty face in the camera shot.

"And we'll be right back with the final vote, after these messages!"

**. . .**

The commercial break passed and soon the cameras were back on, filming Brian Peafest and Cole McMale. This part of the show was always live so they actually had to stop and wait for the ads to pass.

"This is our last vote," Cole said to the camera. "This is the vote that decides if we go into a tie breaker or not. And now . . ." He reached into the box that Peafest was clutching. He grabbed the sheet and slowly unfolded it, once again trying to mount the suspense. Before reading it aloud, he read the name in his head. "Kiba, one."

Peafest pushed Cole aside. "And that means, our loser is Shikamaru. Pack your things and say goodbye, little bleep." The censors didn't even have to edit in the "bleep" over his words because Peafest had decided to literally say the word "bleep" instead of ninja.

**Winlock, Washington**

The camera shifted to Shikamaru's face, as he slowly got up to walk away. He grabbed his bag and shuffled off only to be ambushed by one of the many cameramen.

"Your thoughts!" the cameraman yelped.

"This entire thing is a total waste of time. I'm glad I was voted off."

The camera switched back to Brian Peafest who, as always, was smiling. "And that's the end of this episode. Be sure to tune in next week for a food challenge and the next elimination. Until then, I'm Brian Peafest, and I'll see you next week!" He waved and the screen switched to credits.

Dave flicked off the TV and flopped back on the motel's bed. That had to be the stupidest show on earth.


End file.
